As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's never too late to be topless.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize