That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
