She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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