Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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