I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
