Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
