you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
