I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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