sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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