I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
