i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
