he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
