I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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