she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
