areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
