why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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