Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
