Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
