I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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