Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
