and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
