I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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