hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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