i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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