someone threw a dead crab at me
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
