I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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