He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
