Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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