I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
