I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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