I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You did what with his pubic hair?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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