the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
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dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
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I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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