When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
