I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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