just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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