Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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