I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
