As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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