And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
