This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
