I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
