I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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