Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
