I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
