i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
