Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
