1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
