Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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