fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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