I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Those nachos came to me in a dream
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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