hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
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They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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