I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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