apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
