The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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