i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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