The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
